Editor’s Commentary

Thankfully, my editor didn’t request any major changes, but below are examples of a few minor issues she spotted. 

Original Excerpt:

Seemingly satisfied with what he saw, Sidekick grabbed the Gucci bag. It was a crime for disgusting nicotined fingers to be touching Gucci. But better contaminating the bag’s handles than crushing my throat.

Reflexively, I splayed my hand over my neck. After the dozens of what-if scenarios we’d run through, I should know exactly what to do. The undercover agent who’d prepared me for the assignment had said he often made a small buy to build a target’s trust. “We do business. No one gets arrested. Next time the target offers me something more valuable,” he’d said.

I could do that. Other than the letting them leave with the money part.

Editor’s Commentary: 

This confused me…is half a million supposed to be the small buy mentioned above…or is it the idea that she’s going to let them get away to build their trust? But that wouldn’t have been part of this plan, would it?

Revised Excerpt: 

Seemingly satisfied with what he saw, Sidekick grabbed the Gucci bag. It was a crime for those disgusting nicotined fingers to be touching Gucci. But better contaminating the bag’s handles than crushing my throat.

Reflexively, I splayed my hand over my neck. After the dozens of what-if scenarios we’d run through, I should know exactly what to do. “If something goes wrong, keep them talking,” the undercover agent who’d prepared me for the assignment had said. “If they’re talking, at least they’re not shooting.”

An involuntary shiver rippled down my limbs. I could do talking.

Original Excerpt:

The agent propped it on the desk. “We’ll start with possession of stolen property.”

I gasped. “I didn’t know it was stolen.” I pivoted toward Baldy, my eyes wide. “Did you?”

His head shifted in a single, stiff shake at my patent denial.

His sidekick was too busy howling in pain to comment.

Editor’s Comment: 

How about “It was stolen?” then she’ll accuse Baldy of selling her stolen goods in the next sentence rather than asking him if he knew it was stolen…

Revised Excerpt:

The agent propped it on the desk. “We’ll start with possession of stolen property.”

I gasped. “It was stolen?” I pivoted toward Baldy, my eyes wide. “You sold me a hot painting?”

His shoulder rose and fell in a non-committal half shrug.

His sidekick was too busy howling in pain to comment.

Original Excerpt:

He jumped out of his vehicle, cables in hand. Then his cell phone rang. He glanced at the screen. “It’s your parents’ number.”

“Dinner. I’d totally forgotten. And Mom’s afraid to call my cell phone.”

“So what does that rank me, fish bait?”

I laughed. “No, you’re SWAT. She probably thinks you can get yourself out of whatever disaster her call might cause.”

Editor’s Comment:

Why would her mom have Tanner’s cell number?

Revised Excerpt:

He jumped out of his vehicle, cables in hand. Then his cell phone rang. He glanced at the screen. “It’s your parents’ number.”

“Dinner! I totally forgot.” Mom must still have had Tanner’s cell phone number on speed dial from the months he’d been my field-training agent. “She’s still afraid to call me when I’m working.”

“So what does that rank me, fish bait?”

I laughed. “No, you’re SWAT. She probably thinks you can get yourself out of whatever disaster her call might cause.”