EDITOR’S CUT WITH COMMENTARY

Happily, my editor made only minor requests for changes, of which I’ll share a few. 

Original:

Jake hoofed across the parking lot with Sam on his six. 

Editor was not familiar with the expression “on his six” used by pilots and others, meaning at six o’clock position. 

Final:

Jake hoofed across the parking lot with Sam on his heels.

Original:

Tommy tugged free of Sam’s hold and veered toward the biggest and brightest painting—rainbow-colored air balloons floating in a pure blue sky—propped at floor level outside the gallery door. Along the way his foot caught the easel of another painting. Sam lunged to stop it from teetering over as Tommy skidded to a halt in front of the air balloons.

“Oh we can’t touch them,” a kind voice sing-songed. Jennifer Robbins. She squatted beside his nephew, her pleasant smile tempering the swiftness with which she’d caught his arm before he danced grubby fingers over the canvas. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”


Editor felt that racing to the painting and reaching out to grab it seems like the behavior of a much younger child. 

Final:

Tommy tugged free of Sam’s hold and veered toward the biggest and brightest painting—rainbow-colored air balloons floating in a pure blue sky—propped at floor level outside the gallery door. Along the way his foot caught the easel of another painting. Sam lunged to stop it from teetering over as Tommy skidded to a halt in front of the air balloons.  “Look Uncle Sam, there’s a dog riding in the balloon!”

“Oh we can’t touch them,” a kind voice sing-songed. Jennifer Robbins. She squatted beside his nephew, her pleasant smile tempering the swiftness with which she’d caught his arm before he danced his grubby finger over the canvas. “That dog looks like he’s really enjoying the ride, doesn’t he?”


I compromised by having him notice the dog to make it more age appropriate. Tommy would especially notice a dog since he’s so keen to have one of his own as the reader learns later and he gets one in book 2. I changed Jennifer’s dialogue with Tommy to suit.

 Original:

Too soon, Cassandra was ready to head up to her room. He feigned surprise when her room turned out to be next to his—an arrangement that had cost the bureau an extra three hundred bucks. Their clothes were hung neatly in the open closet, with their suitcases stacked beneath.


Editor’s Comment: I don’t think they’ve been on the ship long enough.  Normally the luggage is delivered to your stateroom, and you don’t get it until later in the day, usually long after the ship has sailed. 

Final:

Their carry-on luggage lay open on the bed. Their larger bags hadn’t yet been delivered. 🙂

Original:

Her hand went to her throat, falling away when it found nothing to grasp. Her gaze drifted back to the child in the meadow painting. “Maybe I’ll tell it to you sometime.”


 Editor’s Comment I guess she is looking for her cross, but her hand going to her throat made me think she was choking or had been poisoned again! Could you modify this so it seems less dramatic?

Final:

She clasped her throat, squeezing until she couldn’t breathe, felt herself falling into the cool grass of the meadow painting, as cool as her tightening fingers. Just kidding. 😉  Here it is:

Her fingers traced her neckline, as if probing for something to grasp then soon fell away. Her gaze drifted back to the child in the meadow painting. “Maybe I’ll tell it to you sometime.”

Original:

Jen’s heart did a crazy jig. She crossed her arms to make it stop. “He lives in Boston.”

Cass shrugged. “People move. They just need the right motivation. And don’t tell me you’re not interested in him, too, you were absolutely twitter pated when the two of you showed up an hour late for the Iditarod slideshow.”


Editor’s Comment: I don’t know this expression?  I’m supposing it means smitten?  Could you replace with something a little more common?

Final:

I respectfully chose not to change it. I loooove the expression “twitter pated” popularized by the Disney movie Bambi. I felt that it perfectly expressed Jen’s emotional state and that those unfamiliar with the word, would understand from the context. Would you agree?

And for Fun:

It’s always nice when my editors insert a smiley face or encouraging comments between requests for changes. the one below especially made me smile:

Original:

He was cuddling Tommy on his lap, the picture of everything she’d ever hoped for in a man. Well, except for his wanting to arrest her sister and uncle, and lying to her.


Editor’s Comment’ Hah!  A girl can’t be too picky!  😀

 

 

 

Great to "see" you here today! I look forward to reading your comment.